sorrow found me when i was young, sorrow waited, sorrow won
by taakotaaco
Summary: You are not the Jedi you should be, and years later you are not the Sith you should be, either.


You have always been incredibly strong in the Force. Even when you were a child and it merely whispered to you, you felt it. Then, you had no name for it, but all the same it felt familiar. It brushed the back of your mind whenever you began to feel lonely or sad. The Force felt like a good friend, one you could always trust. Like a reassuring hand on the small of your back, guiding you.

Over the years, your bond with the Force became stronger. You slowly found it easier to meditate with Obi-Wan.

When your Mother died, oh, how the Force screamed. It wailed cries of terrible loss. Every Jedi could feel it. That amount of pure, unadulterated pain had not been felt in a long while. The screaming became louder and angrier when you killed the Tusken Raiders. You have begun to walk a path which many have never found their way back from.

When you told Padmé of what you did, she's right, you're not all powerful, but you will be, in time. You are not the Jedi you should be. You shouldn't have killed the Tusken Raiders and you most definitely should not be in love with Padmé Naberrie. The Force reassures you that all will be well in good time.

You two are married in secret on Naboo. You are directly disobeying the Jedi Code and like many times in your life, you could care less. You love Padmé so much that you would betray the Jedi Code a thousand times to marry her, if you could. You haven't felt this intense of an emotion since your Mother's death. Instead of the Force screaming around you, it sings. The Force sings a lovely ballad describing the trials of star-crossed lovers.

When the Force sung on your wedding day, you did not listen to the last part of the hymn. Where it was once in major key, it is now minor. It is a sorrowful, tragic ending to a joyous melody. Thousands of terrified voices plead for mercy, but you did not hear them. In the last part of that wonderful song, the Force whispered of the terrible horrors to come. But you did not hear them. This was the first of many mistakes you will make on the path.

And then, the Clone Wars spur to life. Suddenly, you're the Hero With No Fear and your (former) Master is the Negotiator.

"Somebody's got to be the poster boy." Obi-Wan said, smiling faintly at you. You laugh softly and roll your eyes.

During the Clone Wars, you're a General, and you are widely respected.

The deployments are long and horrifying. You see things no one should ever have to see. You miss Padmé. You wish this awful war was over. You wish you could be with Padmé. You are not the Jedi you should be.

You go into small fits of depression and intense stress every now and then, during your deployments. During these fits, the Force helps you find peace. While Obi-Wan is (was) your Master, the Force trains you in ways he could not ever. Obi-Wan has done everything he could with you, which is commendable because you're you, but the Force is wise in ways Obi-Wan will not ever be.

You rescue Chancellor Palpatine and you are confronted by Count Dooku. Obi-Wan is unconscious, which leaves you to fight him yourself. He taunts you repeatedly while dueling. You tap into the anger you have stored away and sever both of his hands. He can't defend himself. Killing an unarmed opponent is directly against the Jedi Code. Yet, Chancellor Palpatine urges you to, so you do. He's right; Dooku is too dangerous to be left alive. For the first time in your life, the Force is quiet, absolute silence. You are not the Jedi you should be.

The Invisible Hand begins rapidly descending into Coruscant, uncontrolled. Despite Palpatine's urgings to leave Obi-Wan, you pick him up, and all three of you make it out alive. Another mission accomplished. Or you, thought it was. Grievous, great.

You're captured by Grievous and his ship is back in control. Things are going extremely well, as always. Artoo is able to make a distraction, you and Obi-Wan grab your 'sabers and break free. You fend off the IG-100 MagnaGuards, save Palpatine (once again), and Grievous escapes out the window. The ship goes into another free-fall into the atmosphere of Coruscant, and you successfully land the Invisible Hand on a platform on planet.

"Another happy landing." your (former) Master says. You can't help but agree.

You save the day again. (But, you are not the Jedi you should be.)

You meet with Padmé, she was worried you were hurt or worse. You have been married in secret for three years, now. Padmé is pregnant. You are happier than you have ever been before. The Force comes out of it's silence and sings. It reassures you of a bright future for your blood.

Later, your horrendous, reoccurring nightmare surfaces again. Padmé, the light of your life, dies in childbirth. You awake, covered in sweat and in a panic. You glance over at her and move to stand on the veranda. She asks you what's wrong and you promise you won't let it happen. No, you vow, that your dream will not come true. Some part of the Force tells you she will die and there isn't much you can do about it. You have to believe it's lying, you can't live without her.

The Chancellor is suspicious of the High Jedi Council. He appoints you his personal representative. You are on the Jedi Council, however you are not a Jedi Master. Both you and the Force are angry.

"What?! How can you do this? This is outrageous, it's unfair, I'm more powerful than any of you. How can you be on the Council and not be a Master?" you shout in a fluster.

You are silently outraged when Master Windu tells you to sit. You bow your head and sit while they move on with matters of the war and completely ignore your outburst. The Jedi Council has always disliked you. The Force agrees with you. You have never been so disappointed and angry at the same time. Obi-Wan informs at the end of the meeting to report back on Palpatine to the Council. You are torn and confused. Obi-Wan seems unhappy, too.

You go to the Opera with Chancellor Palpatine and he tells you the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise. He tells you that Darth Plagueis was so powerful in the Dark Side, he could use the midi-chlorians to create life. Not only create life, but prevent death for those he loved. The key to saving Padmé, to saving the child. You know the Dark Side is wrong, but you need to save Padmé.

"Is it possible to learn this power?" you ask.

"Not from a Jedi." he replies.

The Force whispers he's not to be trusted, but you ignore it, you must to do this. You must learn how to save her. It tells you that you have been blinded by misguidance and false hope, you must come to your senses.

 **Palpatine is seducing you to the Dark Side. Why are you doing this? Why are you being so foolish? Do not listen to him.**

But, you did not hear that, did you?

(You are not the Jedi you should be.)

Your bond with the Force begins to weaken slowly. You don't notice. All is not lost, not yet.

You go to the Jedi Temple and see Master Windu. He informs you that Obi-Wan has killed Grievous and he is about to go to Palpatine to ensure he releases his emergency powers. In a moment of swift action, you tell Windu that Palpatine is a Sith Lord, and he will not give in without a fight. Windu looks shocked, so you re-confirm what you just said. He questions you and you respond with absolute certainty that Palpatine is the Sith they've been looking for.

You warn Windu about Palpatine's powers and tell him he'll need you to help arrest him. He says he senses much fear in you, that your judgement could be clouded. Windu tells you to wait in the Council Chambers until he gets back. Windu and three others go to Palpatine's office, leaving you there. Alone, with only your mind, that seems to be working against you.

You do know, don't you, if the Jedi destroy me, any chance of saving her will be lost.

The voice of Palpatine in your head is right. Without him, Padmé has no chance of living. You have decided. You bolt out of the room and rush after the other Jedi.

You feel Agen Kolar, Saesee Tiin, and Kit Fisto's Force signatures disappear. The Force begins to tremble with despair. A presence of sadness lingers.

You get there just as Windu disarms Palpatine. They both stand at the edge of the large window in Palpatine's office. Windu begins to threaten Palpatine, just as Force Lightning is sent at him. Windu deflects the lightning with his 'saber back at Palpatine. Palpatine's face begins to distort and his flesh seems as if it might fall of at any time. He says he's too weak.

"Help me! Help me!" Palpatine moans as he lays on the window still. "I, I can't hold on any longer!"

"I am going to end this, once and for all." Windu says, he looks determined to end the Sith.

"You can't, he must stand trial." you state as calmly as you can.

"He has control of the Senate and the courts! He's too dangerous to be left alive."

"I'm too weak, oh, oh, don't kill me, please!" Palpatine is pleading now.

"It's not the Jedi way! He must live!" you are reaching the tipping point.

"Please, don't!" Palpatine urges as Windu raises his arm for the coup de grâce.

"I need him!" you bellow. You cannot let Padmé die, the child needs her, you need her. Windu arm comes down as Palpatine says, "Please don't!"

"Noooooo!" you rage, cutting off Windu's hand. He screams in pain, as Palpatine viciously cackles, and hits Windu with Force Lightning. You step back in shock, or maybe grief. You retract your lightsaber's blade and watch as Mace Windu is electrocuted before you. Palpatine is shouting unintelligibly as lightning flows from his fingertips and soon, Windu is pushed out the window, and the wind carries him away into the city below. Palpatine's head hits the back of the window still with a satisfied grunt.

"What have I done?" you say, stepping back into the chair behind you, gasping for breath. All of a sudden, everything you've done wrong as crashed down upon you. All the grief and anguish you have held in begin flowing outward. You have just helped kill a fellow Jedi, a Master, no less. Palpatine gets up and walks toward you. You look up and face a monster you had not known existed.

"You're fulfilling your destiny, Anakin." you bow your head as he speaks, "Become my apprentice, learn to use the Dark Side of the Force." His voice has become a violent rasp.

"I will do whatever you ask." you say, struggling to catch your breath. You finally feel the weight you have been holding for all these years crash down upon you. You have given in to the Dark Side. You must save her.

"Good." Palpatine raps. You see something terrible in his eyes.

"Just help me save Padmé's life. I can't live without her." you wheeze as you bow your head.

"Yes, to cheat death, is a path only one has achieved, but if we work together, I know we can discover the secret." Palpatine hisses, his voice like a snake's.

 **He's lying, do not trust him. He promises nothing.**

You slide out of the chair, onto your knees in front of him, "I pledge myself to your teachings."

"Good. Good." He says, triumphant evident in his tone. You bow your head again, as the weight pushes down on your shoulders. "The Force is strong, within you. A powerful Sith, you will become. Henceforth, you shall be known as," he pauses, "Darth Vader." His sickly yellow eyes peer down at you and you meet his gaze.

"Thank you, my Master." you decline your head respectfully. He begins to hobble away.

"Rise."

And you do. When you rise, Anakin Skywalker rises with you. While you may be Darth Vader, you feel as if Anakin will always be there, waiting. As the Dragon destroys everything in his path, the Knight stands in the shadows waiting for the moment to strike. The Dragon knows the Knight is there and there isn't anything he could do about it.

You are not the Sith you should be. The Force agrees with you. Order 66 is put into action. As you kill the younglings, it sings a sorrowful ballad, and comforts you. It takes the younglings away to somewhere better, away from all this fighting, away from the monster that has been made of you. It warns you of a dark future ahead, but all is not lost, not yet.

Even as you burn, it stays. You scream and writhe as the lava eats you alive, the Force screams with you. It knows your pain, your suffering. You wish you could take it all back. Everything. When most of the burning stops, you begin to crawl. As you crawl, you sense your master's presence near. He finds you there, lying in the dirt and soot. You begin to lose consciousness. You believe you have been saved, you never been more wrong.

The pain is awful. You have a very large pain threshold and yet, you scream as if you still burn. You try your best to bat away the droids saving your life, you do not want to live. The pain is unbearable. Even as they put the suit on, it lingers. You believe it always will. The Force knows it will.

Your eyes widen as the helmet is put on. You take your first breath as Darth Vader, the real Darth Vader. It's loud, very audible. The table you are on rises into a vertical position, you note your arms and legs are cuffed to it. Realization begins to set in.

"Lord Vader. Can you hear me?" Palpatine, no, Sidious rasps.

"Yes, Master," your once soft baritone is now a hard bass. You hate it immediately. "Where is Padmé," you breathe, "is she safe? Is she alright?"

"It seems, in your anger, you killed her." Sidious says, you can't help but notice how he seems delighted.

"I, I couldn't have. She was alive! I felt it!" your breathing becomes louder and more ragged. The pain becomes more vibrant, now. The burns no longer hurt you, but the pain of loss does. Your vision blurs and the lab begins to shake. You let out a deep sob of anger and regret. The sob becomes guttural and transforms into a cry of anger.

Padmé. I killed Padmé. How did I kill Padmé? She was alive. I, I didn't. I couldn't. He's lying, he has to be lying. Padmé is gone. The child, my child, is gone. It's all my fault, it's all my fault, it's all my fault, what have I done. No. What have I done.

You panic as everything in the lab begins to break apart. Air cylinders crush. The medical droids combust. Everything around you shatters. It is almost as if there is an earthquake, and there is. It's you. You break free of your bindings and groan with the anger and sadness that has been with you for so long. You do not know it, but your master is grinning behind you.

"Nooooooooooo!" you tilt your head toward the ceiling and howl. The Force howls with you. You release all the anguish you have held in for so long.

The Force continues to cry out with agony, long after you have stopped. You are not the Sith you should be, and you begin to think you never will be. The Force says all is not lost, you will still bring balance.

 **It is foretold and so it shall be. You are still the Chosen One.**

You think, maybe, the Force is wrong, for once. You hope the Force is wrong, although deep down, you know it never is. This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker, forever.


End file.
